To quit, or not to quit

I've been struggling lately with my current place of employment. I've gone from a team and a place that was "mine" and I ran everything for that area. Recently there's been changes and moves - mostly for the better. However I'm not in a place where I have my own everything and work with one person as my assistant but we do t have a space that is ours. We share space that our co-workers have as "theirs". This change is 100% better for me and where I want to be, but as summer is rapidly coming to a close and so is this new position. 

I left a space with a team that barely functioned. There was massive age gaps, no respect and health issues out your wazoo. But at least I had a space. After leaving, I'm now with a partner whom I fiction well with, we actually make a really good team and the things were doing are monumental for out participants. But I've been getting snapped on an frustration from my director and supervisor. 

After the most recent incident, where my director told me she thinks I have self estem issues, I decided I as going to search for another place of employment. I have it amazing good where I am, but this issues are putting over the edge. 

A position that I could also apply for at my "just for fun job" aplead to me, and I have the credentials to fill the position. Thebperovlembis , with this job it's all about who you know.  I've only told a few people about my decision to apply. If I'm successful in obtaining this new position, I'll have to give up my first job which I'm more than happy doing. 

....or so I thought. In all these changes I have talked with my supervisor as much as we have in the past. Leaving me I satisfied and feeling neglected and out of loop. Today we spent 4 hours o our own time taking about work and personal things over dinner and within the Center. My supervisor is an amazing person and this chance to reconnect has left me feeling horrible about my plan to leave in September. 

But can I really let one person, on a good day, after a good heartfelt conversation change my mind? 

Or did I do all this planning out of spit and anger over a childish response. 

Should be interesting next few months. Someone's not goin to be happy me. Again. 

Sigh. 

Mm mm, not so good

So, I really hope no one else is reading this. I'm really only using it as a way to let go. If you are reading this, and you're not me ... Well then I guess I hope you enjoy. 

On Monday, I went to my family phsysitician because of some overly emotional out bursts I seem to be having once a month. Just the usual, two hour hystical crying fits. My sollution: ask to be put on "the pill", as I have noticed a coronation between these outbursts and the arrival of my lady friend. After minutes upon minutes of inessent questions - do you have a partner? are you sexually active? is this relationship monogomous?- the usual let me in aid your privacy type things. 

Half a hour later , she agrees to do a trail period with a set of pills, but I. Order to choose a brand she insisted on knowing my height and weight. -now I'm not what I would consider a "big" person or "tall" but just an average, moderate build, perhaps fairly big bond.  Well, After gathering the information this nurse needed she decided to inform me that I cam considered to be "obese" according to the results of her math. I don't have much to lose, somewhere between 20-30 pounds before I'm "where they would like you to be" for my hieght and weight. So basically she told me to cut out junk food and stop drinking pop... Sounds easy right? WRONG! 

I'm the kind of person who enjoys food. I could eat at any time of the day and anything that is on my limited prefered foods list. Eating for me can be a social thing, an emotional comfort, or an activity to pass the time. None of which would be a problem if I didn't only eat foods that are incredibly bad for your health. 

All week, this conversation and suggestions have occupied most of my thought. Yet I do nothing to change my behaviour. In fact, I'm eating more junk food and drinking more pop than I normally would on a weekly bassis. 

I'm struggling with eating now. Every time anything goes in my mouth I think of the consequence, but it doesn't stop me. I eat these foods and then sit there and feel cheaply about it. My comfort food, isn't comforting anymore. I'm concerned my eating habits are going to change drastically. I'm afraid if drooping an eating disorder, stemming from not eating anything at all or very little. I live a very busy life at times. Two jobs, 12 hour days at least. All 12 hours working with children in one way or another. 

I'm not really sure what to do yet. And I'm not really sure if this is the point of a blog, but I needed to voice the things I'm afraid to say aloud.